DYSKINETIC

Radically Inclusive Music Makers.

Category: Thinkspace.

  • Nose Pressed Against The Canvas.

    Nose Pressed Against The Canvas.

    I’m trying to purify my relationship with music. It’s been a long road, and there’s some unhealthy stuff weaved in.

    I identify with my work in a deep way. I am my work. That’s no boast. It’s actually quite unhealthy, I’m beginning to realise. I struggle to separate what I do from who I am. That’s an okay way to write songs, but it’s a difficult way to be a person.

    Sometimes I feel like I have no idea who I am. I’m so wrapped up in the work. And it makes for what I think is called “emotional unavailability” – I’m not always much fun to be around. Le Sigh.

    It’s startlingly obvious, but I have to remind myself that I am not my work. I made some music today purely for fun. That’s a big deal for me. Making music, simply to relax? What is that? It’s been a high stress process for many years.

    It was always going to be this way. I’ve been leading from the cutting edge for years. And that’s what people know me for. The audience is expecting that – and luckily they’re there for me even when it doesn’t always work. As artistic work goes, travelling the world and betting E V E R Y T H I N G on prototype futuretech sci-fi aesthetic as a way of playing music… that qualifies as high stakes. It’s a tightrope act every time.

    But it’s not me. I can give myself permission to enjoy it. I can put some space between me and the canvas. I don’t have to be smushed up against it.

    Grateful for all of it. It’s a beautiful adventure. But I don’t always give myself the space to enjoy the view x

    [The attached painting is part of a series of digital canvases I’ve been working on. Purely as downtime. A chance to be creative with no stakes. It’s how I’m finding the breathing space between me and my work. Just flowing. Not thinking. And relax…]

  • Deeper Still.

    Deeper Still.

    Contrary to what those closest to me think, I’m not my Own worst critic. In fact, that idea is redundant.

    Your own worst critic.

    It’s meaningless.

    What you’re supposed to be is completely honest with yourself, for better or worse. know your strengths. 0am your weaknesses.I know there’s things I’m really great at. I’ve got a damn fine ear for a melody. I can come up with some cool musical landscapes. If they gave Grammys for action-packed chord changes, I’d have a few on my mantelpiece by now.

    But there something I’ve not been doing well. Not because I’m not good at. Just because… I dunno. Maybe I got scared.Lately, I’ve just not gone deep enough. My story has been about technology and access ibility, and that’s allgreat… but it’s not the whole story. Not by a long way.

    The big reason I’m here now, late-blooming, is because of mental health issues. A lifetime (so far) of mental lsealth issues. Depression, anxiety, substance is alcohol abuse-they’re all been there, holding me back. It’s been a brutal ride-my inner turmoil has been amplified to life threatening volume at times. And just lately, with everything going so well, I thought I’d escaped all that.

    So, in recent years, when I should have been dealing with stuff, I’re just beaten myself with guilt. I have a life with my soul mate. The actual one. We have 3 im possibly beautiful kids. We have real, meaningful security in life. I have a career that mostly consists of people giving me money to kick stuff off my bucket list.How dare I be depressed, eh?

    But still, my demons are there. And I ‘m realising, slowly, that it’s not a destination. It’s never going to be a ticked off, packed away thing. Being okay is a transient state. It’s an endless process. And I need to be okay with that.Music has always been the way I make sense of me and my shit. And I stopped seeing it that way. I started seeing it as just a job.That’s not why I picked up a guitar in 1993.

    To have a job.I was trying to understand myself and my place.This isn’t a criticism of the opportunities I’ve had. It’s not the glove’s fault that I ‘ve been tiptoeing.I dropped the ball.I stopped letting myself feel, or deal with anything.

    Music is the only way I’ve ever known to fix things. I’m not fixed. I may never be. And I need to be okay with that. But I can keep fixing. I can keep doing. And I can use all these beautiful tools and opportunities to do what matters to me the most.Music is a great job, but it’s way more important than that.

    And I am more important than it. It’s the best tool I have to be a better version of me.

  • Demolition.

    Demolition.

    All kind of weird icky feels. It doesn't matter how I feel. He's one of my biggest influences. His LPs are forever in the soundtrack to our lives. He was our eldest son's first favourite singer. He's also my go-to example of how fucked the music industry is around mental health + relationships. I remember a review of Love Is Hell saying something along the lines that his heartbreak was ' 'our" gain. We're celebrated the broken, dy s functional relationships of our singer / songwriters since forever. Now, we're just beginning to have a conversation about the damage that happens behind the lyrics. It's long overdue.

    All kind of weird icky feels. It doesn’t matter how I feel.

    He’s one of my biggest influences. His LPs are forever in the soundtrack to our lives. He was our eldest son’s first favourite singer.

    He’s also my go-to example of how fucked the music industry is around mental health + relationships. I remember a review of Love Is Hell saying something along the lines that his heartbreak was “our” gain.

    We’ve celebrated the broken, dysfunctional relationships of our singer / songwriters since forever. Now, we’re just beginning to have a conversation about the damage that happens behind the lyrics.

    It’s long overdue.